Be Still!!!
I have ALWAYS struggled to be still. I’ve worked on it trust me but the concept of STILL is one that I just know I’ll struggle with for my life…..
And then God.
Sometimes I feel like a kid being put in timeout only to realize I was reacting horribly and really just needed a breather.
I wish it was that simple for the birth of our little miracle girl.
Thursday morning - made a cleaning and final prep plan together before we went to a routine doctors visit.
About 20 minutes into the appointment my blood pressure was not only high for a pregnant person but dangerously high for your everyday person! So we were sent over to the hospital to monitor, treat, and assess. After a few readings our nurse (and friend) said “Emmalee, you aren’t leaving here without your baby”.
Process process process - she’s three weeks early. She needs to cook more…. And then the guilt hit.
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done differently?
I cried.
Not because I was scared.
Not because of anything but guilt.
It took both our nurse and Ben to assure me that there wasn’t anything I could have done… and then Ben got to work. We sent out texts galore asking for prayers, and we felt them immediately!!
Got some sleep Thursday but then….
Friday.
Now I have to start with this - we have an amazing blood related family that God has given us but what’s been so special and amazing for us is the family we aren’t actually related to that falls onto itself when we need them. These people did just that and sat with us (physically and / or emotionally) through an absolutely nutty and miserable day on Friday.
They started (and I was already rotating between a couple of Blood Pressure meds) the Pitocin and fluids at 4:00am, so my slight contractions started picking up and most of the day they were between 2-4 minuets apart.
If you’ve never had Pitocin before (which I had not…) you aren’t allowed actual foods while on it - just clear-ish liquids. So the last solid food I’d eaten was a quick bite Thursday night… so contraction and STARVING. Which of course doesn’t help your BP stay in normal ranges.
The doc opted to start a “last resort” type medication around lunch time.
Magnesium.
Which while it’s good for you and your body to have (think magnesium baths?) this isn’t something you want to take by IV. It’s tough on your body and TOUGH on baby. It’s ment to help your muscles… alllllllll your muscles to calm waaaaaaay down. Which is painful when your taking Pitocin, which is causing your uterus to contract… and not be relaxed. So essentially the meds are fighting each other, all the while contractions are happening and your cervix is being checked to see how dilated you are and if doc can break your water and if baby is in the right position.
Stressful? Yeah! Oh yeah! And they have to quickly get some in your system so they push that and it makes you nauseous and you throw up…
About 16:00 my blood pressure started to spike again. They started quickly going back and forth between a couple of additional meds in my IV, when we hit dose 3 in 30-40 minutes, my body had enough and started throwing everything that I didn’t have in my stomach up. I remember thinking / saying during that ordeal that I didn’t think I could do this for another day… and when the doc came in, he said “Ok. We are done.” And while I don’t like being told what to do…. We agreed. We were done. My body was done…
So we prepped and rushed to the OR for a c-section.
Did you guys know that operating rooms are cold?
I got a chill during prep that lasted through the entire procedure. Not just a baby chill but full body shakes and shivering. I couldn’t stop. There wasn’t much they could do either. My water also hadn’t finished emptying so that started leaking out too! By the time they had the epidural in and had me stretched out over the table… naked, laying in water - I was in the uncontrollable shaking stage. Thankfully God is STILL good and I had the sweetest nurse who put a blanket over my arms and would just hold my hand every so often. It’s really the little things!
Soon Ben was allowed back and he was able to watch them pull our daughter out of me.
Doc held her up so we could see her and said “Y’all looking for a baby girl?”
I sent Ben to watch her and go with her to the nursery and check up (he took HUNDREDS of pictures!!!), while they started the painful job of reconstructing my belly. We talked and connected about weird foods we’ve eaten… like squirrel brains…. We are weird like that apparently!
By the time I was rolling back to my room, I’ll be honest. I was NOT in good condition. I was shaking almost uncontrollably, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and I started hallucinating. To say the least… I worried Ben. I woke up at one point to hear him pleading with God for me to be okay. We - okay TOTALLY HE - realized that with me not being able to feel the bottom ½ of me, I couldn’t figure out that I wasn’t physically cold.
That mind over matter idea.
So - he touched my legs and my feet and would tell me, “you are warm” and I would repeat “I am warm”. It still took a little while but eventually, THATS when it clicked, and I calmed down.
I was able to eat - thanks to my brother-in-law snagging some food for us! And then quickly wheel over to meet my daughter.
We slept fitfully and then….
Saturday.
Now I’ll be honest. I don’t really know what all happened Saturday vs Sunday.
While the NICU worked to get the Magnesium out of Sophia Grace’s system as fast as possible… I needed to stay on it for 24 hrs post c-section.
I didn’t move around a whole lot Saturday morning (other then a quick trip to visit Sophia) because I was still hooked to a catheter, highly medicated, starting pain meds, and had just had pretty major stomach surgery…
I remember being told I need to try and get up to walk. I remember the cath getting removed. I remember the “excitement” over the beautiful hospital underpants, having to use pads for the first time since freshman year, needing help to get to the bathroom - up and down off the toilet, and really… needing help with literally everything!!
I did manage to get up and walk, with a wheelchair leading me and then with the breast pump machine (oh yeah started working on that too!). Tried to take myself off pain meds… didn’t last but kept to Motrin and Tylenol along with alllll my oils.
Emotions really kicked in Sunday night and I ended up just sobbing in my room and being so thankful for the nurse that came to just talk to me and reassure me and tell me that my momma’s heart was in the right place.
Monday.
Monday I remember. Monday things and emotions and things.
Monday of course my BP went up but I passed my physical test from the same doc that did my c-section.
Monday I was dismissed as a patient and we were able to change rooms to be closer to the NICU and Little Sophie.
Monday I walked out of the hospital to be able to run home and see the puppies and shower.
Monday my heart BROKE leaving my daughter in the hospital without me.
Tuesday.
Tuesday I sat holding my daughter, took a deep breath and my heart almost burst with joy and love.
This little baby is a miracle in SO many ways!
We were told that we would NEVER have kids. We were told that I wasn’t doing well - but I’m well.
We were told she would be small and sickly, but dispite her stay in NICU, she is strong - determined - beautiful.
Tuesday God reminded me to BE STILL. He gave me time to just sit and enjoy this beautiful baby’s life, breath, smell.
Tuesday - despite the craziness of our current world, He had me be still and KNOW that He is a good good Father.
I know that our journey isn’t over here.
I know tears will continue to come and that we will have good days and bad days.
But I KNOW that I know my God will never leave me. I wracked my brain (and some other peoples) and put together a YouTube Playlist for when I’m down, and when my heart is heavy. It’s already helping.
So. As a reminder. In the midst of whatever your crazy life and world looks like, take time to BE STILL. Allow yourself to be quiet and see the beauty and blessings around you. Write them down if that helps, but BE STILL. Allow the great teacher to minister to your heart and soul.
